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Monday, April 16, 2012

Fear ...

In the last month or so I've become afraid of my own studio really.

I used to love descending down the steps, starting each morning with cup of coffee in hand, the sun streaming through the windows and yesterday’s projects in various stages of completions welcomed me back. Each day was full of endless possibilities. The chart of my day was unknown and the path it would take was up to the whim of my creative mind and the whole thing thrilled me and truly filled my heart.

After my little spill however and the all too long wait for healing, the studio greets me with a stack of unfinished creations, attempted then painfully defeated projects, winter décor, a layer of dust and a head full of swirling “what if’s” and the endless list “should have’s”. It makes what should be a place of creativity a place that is instead more sullen and the endless circle of attempts, pain, and frustration have me feeling lost when I am there. It’s an odd and an uncomfortable feeling. I have lost touch with my studio. It’s been so long, I don't know who I am when I'm there.

So today I am MAKING myself return. Brace on, second pot of coffee on deck, positive thinking cap on, fears pushed aside, dragging my ass kicking and screaming, all be damned, I am going down those steps and actually starting this process once again. Wish me luck … here goes nothing!


Blogger lordblessu said...

baby steps my friend. Hang in there with baby steps.

Mon Apr 23, 08:37:00 AM CST  
Anonymous Deb @Lake Girl Paints said...

You can do it, Carrie!
You'll be right at home again soon with a paintbrush in hand.
Love your work! Deb

Mon Apr 30, 12:11:00 PM CST  
Blogger MJL said...

I'm reading your words and I know exactly how you feel. I'm hoping you are getting better. It sounds so much like depression, something that I am oh, so familiar with. The feeling that you are constantly trying to push yourself to move to do the smallest thing. It takes over and you don't know what to do. Well, I'll tell you how I try to fight it. I force myself to do what I need to get done, it sometimes works and sometimes not, but I keep trying everyday to push myself a bit more each day. Good luck and take one day at a time !!!

Sun Jun 24, 06:26:00 PM CST  

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