My head is spinning.
And the fact that my cat Nea is following me around and looking at me
with concern must mean that I am in a perplexed and frustrated funk. I visited my Dr again today and the words “behavior
modification” have been swimming about curiously in my head since the moment
they fell out of his mouth.
(Not mine from this morning by the way, but close enough! - thanks Google!)
Last week after driving to Kansas City for a fun girls day and shopping trip,
my wrist had left me in a sleepless world of hurt. Most activities bother me
quite honestly or am unable to do them altogether (gardening, painting, bowling, typing and other things that seemingly fall
into the “things that I love to do category”) but this left me sleepless for three
nights and I knew it was time for definitive answers.
I have grown used to my wrist Dr’s “wait and see approach”. Initially after my fall we had to wait to see
if the blood flow was restored to the bones. And after the bone bruising went away
and no evident bone necrosis, we then waited once again between xrays, MRIs and
nerve conduction tests, only waiting longer to then understand the results and wait once again for any changes or
improvements (I even desperately tried magnetic pulse therapy- for anyone who
grew up on a farm think about rolling yourself up in an electric fence and
turning it on high!) and thankfully ending up with surgery only as a final option. Even then
there was more waiting … 6 long months of waiting for strength and use.
But there was persisting issues. The surgery fixed the biggest problem, but apparently with
one thing fixed, something else had been lurking there the whole time since my fall.
My biggest fear after my first surgery was that I would have
loss of range of motion. My painting
style demands a smooth fluid motion and I was told that it would not be a
problem. But when I started painting
brace-free, I immediately noticed the “catch in my get-a-long” was still there.
Fear and doubt settled in. “Wait longer”
was the surgeons reply, allowing more post-surgery healing to occur. But the longer I waited, the problems persisted.
I haven't painted in months and my garden lies in a desperate state, for fear of creating more pain for myself. When driving became an issue, even turning book pages and holding phones
were painful and bothersome I lost hope. On top of it all, the frustrating funk that it all left me in stole my
creativity and honestly diminished my spirit. I am desperate for answers and an end to this mess.
So today, I hear that some little bone named the pisiform is
at issue (funny because I am getting “piss-y”.) The term “triangular
fibrocartilage complex injury” came up in the dialogue somewhere as well. There was discussion
of ligaments and other various medical terminology, but being still hung up on two “little” words,
most of the conversation faded into the distance. Long story short it explains
the lack of motion, swelling and nerve tingling in two different fingers that
has been the newest issue. It means more tests, and more waiting. (Sigh.)
I am not going to let another possible surgery (bone removal! – who knew?)
bother me but the words “behavior modification” in order to fix things bring tears to my eyes.
I am an artist. Its
not just my living.
Its. Who. I. Am.
This is not simply a behavior. "Modification" isn't possible. I can't simply accept such a notion. It is what I do. It is my day to
day. It is what moves me through this life
and what puts my heart and soul at ease. I
have not been myself this last year and a half and I want so desperately to move through this and get back to doing what I love. I want to be able to paint and not pay for doing so painfully for days. I am lost. I am bored. I sit for too long and I've been eating too much of what's bad for me. It's my wrist that I want to behave. I just want to get back to the normal that was my life and my work from the time that seems like far too long ago.
I will wait longer. I will take more tests try even more therapies (including icing this persistently painful appendage as I type!) and pray for answers. But my "behavior" of doing what I love ... can't change.