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Thursday, May 16, 2013

It is what it is

Its now May and I hate to admit that in the studio it still looks like Christmas.  It had looked so cute after the holiday show, all dolled up for customers who had stopped by to pick up something fun for gift giving or decorating.  But there it sits.  It’s stuck in a time warp, and I've had no energy to go down and change it since my surgery.

It’s been hard for me to spend time in the studio. It's a reminder that I'm still unable to work.  I started my recovery with high hopes and the shortest time in the given timeline for recovery was what I held on to.  But as the noted dates came and went, and the wrist/hand continued to be bothersome and painful, my hope of quickly returning to work diminished and my desire and creative spark fizzled.  Painting seemed impossible.

The winter seems like a distant memory.  I spent a lot of time reading and watching movies.  I grew bored and honestly frustrated and sad.  Even with progress, when the simplest of tasks would prove difficult, I became upset.  There even seemed to be a permanent indentation on the couch where my backside sat more days than not.  And as time passed it became apparent that a spring show was not going to be possible, furthering my loathing of my wrist and even the studio itself.  I started to fill with resentment and my creative side fell even further away. One afternoon of sketching felt hopeful but then the creativity left once again. 

Recently I threw caution to the wind and did the littlest bit of gardening.  I paid for it for 5 days.  The strength was still missing from my hand, and now even my forearm and elbow hated me.  I had had enough.  Fearing that I would be told once again to“wait longer,” I was instead informed that certain muscles in my hand and arm had atrophied from too much time spent in the brace post surgery.  Fingers are crossed, and now shown different therapy exercises and handed various “rubber bands” to aid in rebuilding strength, I feel hopeful again.  I'm no longer going to look at the calendar, but instead picture the graph that the surgeon drew for my recovery.  I vividly remember the dramatic arch of improvement at the end, and that is what I hope for the near future.

So I have once again come to accept that healing will take even more time.  Impatience will get me nowhere, so I am going to head down to the studio and ready for a "spring cleaning sale". For now at least, that's all I can do. But at least it's something. :)


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