Perhaps it was visiting friends in a small town ... perhaps it was attending a small antiques event that was tucked at the end of a long gravel driveway ... it could have even been the headaches from last week that made me question so many things.
I miss the farm I grew up on. I did not know or appreciate how many great things there were while growing up there. The space ... nature ... the freedom to explore ... how quiet things were ... how simple things could be ... the familiar
smells (and may I add - the good ones - things like the grass, dirt, sweet cattle feed with molasses
, sweet corn and the plethora of tomato
plants, the shop when dad would work on metal projects... smells like that) the fact that the distance of your closest neighbors were measured in miles and not "doors down". This time of year I especially miss my Dad's garden. Then it was "just a farm". Now I look at it as something to be treasured and think of the many things I learned there, and if I had known, how many more things I perhaps could have gained.
I missed a house with more character. Not that I do not appreciate the home we built and live in now, but I missed being in a house with more history and stories. Something that is old and appreciated and touched by generations. Many years ago I would have looked at an old farm house as just that and perhaps even dismissed it, however today I would look at it with great possibility.
Last week when the headaches took over and the creativity left me. I missed having a real "J O B". What would it be like to again drive to a brick and mortar location and then leave it all behind on the drive home? I missed being around coworkers on a regular basis. I even wondered if perhaps I was talking to the cats a bit too much. I missed dressing up in clothes that were not meant to be covered in paint. And so as my week continued on, I began to question many things. "Am I where I am supposed to be ... am I meant to do this for a living ... should we move ... should I get out and dust off the resume for the position that looked oh-so-tempting?"
And then while finishing boxing up the order (that sold the second that it was posted for sale), I looked up and read the words that I had recently put on my wall ... "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams ... " I paused when I read them. What was I thinking? I would be a fool for giving this all up ... but every now and then as artists we doubt ourselves and question our work and our direction. Sometimes giving up looks easier than pushing through.
By Friday most of my thoughts grew distant. A visit to the chiropractor
(and thank GOD for her!!!) , some neck therapy and meditation brought things back into focus. My garden may not be the size of a football field like my father's once was, but I love every plant and what it offers us. Our lot may only be one quarter of an acre, but I appreciate and like to tend to every square inch of it. During our house's short history we have made it a home. Having neighbors close can be nice, and it even gives me someone to talk to besides the cats on any given day. And being able to work from home is the best gift. Being my own boss and doing what I love for a living makes it all worth while. Just every now and then I call things into question, as perhaps as one should, and thankfully it only made me appreciate things even more.